AUSTRALIAN LETTER OF THE YEAR

One of the many qualities of my Australian Brethren is their ability to speak and write how they feel. Their language is colorful and they are brilliant in their ability to sort out the wheat from the chaff and inject a sense of humor into their prosaic. An Aussie friend sent me up this letter which was written to the equivalent of the Secretary of State. It was reported the government tried to censure the author but got nowhere because every lawyer inside the walls of Parliament buildings who read it recognized the absolute truth in its contents and in so doing nearly all wet themselves laughing. The author a Vietnam veteran, is ust another happy customer of the Federal government.

“Dear Mr Minister,

I am in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number and even knows I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997 and yet the Federal government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ’s sake do you blokes do this by hand? My birthdate you have in my Medicare information and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past forty years. It is on my driver’s license, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid Customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last thirty years and all those insufferable census forms that I have filled out every five years since 1966.

Also….. would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my old man’s name is Jack and I’ll be absolutely f—king astounded if that ever will change between now and when I bloody well drop dead!!! I apologize Mr Minister, but I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me I’ve had a gutful of all this bullshit. You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f—king address!!.What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin’ there? And another thing, look at my damned picture. Do I look like bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for Gawd’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. Yes my son interbred with a Kiwi girl. And would someone please tell me why I would give a shit whether I plan visiting a farm in the next sixteen days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not tell anyone!

Well I have to go now ‘cause I have to the other end of the city. And get another f—king copy of my birth certificate and part with another eighty bucks for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION. Would it be so uncomplicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist with the issuance of a new passport on the same day? Noooooo……that’d be too f—king easy and makes far too much sense. You’d much prefer to have us running around all over the place like chickens with our f—king heads cut off and then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it is really me in the Goddam photo. You know the photo….the one where we are not allowed to smile….you f—king morons.

Signed

An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone in high society to confirm that it’s me. Well my family has been this country since before 1850. In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!!. I have also served in both the CMF and regular army something over thirty years (I went to Vietnam in 1967) and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year. However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN PAKISTAN AND WHO HAS A BEARD…a country where they either assassinate the prime minister or hang their ex-prime ministers and are suspended from the British Commonwealth for not having the right sort of government. You are all f—king idiots.

Tags: Australia